:rotflmfao:

I remember reading that. Too funny. XD

'rotf'

OMFG!!! LOL
That was so funny XD

bump

XD, that is kind of funny XD

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

I think I saw that on Mythbusters!!! :rotflmfao:

Kitties have smilies, too.

http://i22.photobucket.com/albums/b346/mes...s/Other/193.jpg

~From: http://chugworth.com/

Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus. ~Bob Rubin

http://www.quotegarden.com/sex.html

Who knew that bleeping out words was so hilarious. XD I'll never see The Count the same way again.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cMPYJ10JbMU

XDDDDDDDDDD

A Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.

The white man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says: "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weighs 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says: "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around !"

Olaf & Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar.
Finding he had no matches, he asked Olaf for a light.
"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied. Then reaching
into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in
his hands."Vere dit yew git dat monster??"
"Vell," replied Olaf, "I got it from my Genie."
"You haff a Genie," Sven asked.
"Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle pox," says Olaf.
"Could I see him?" Olaf opens his tackle box & sure enough, out
pops the Genie.
Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of
your master.
Vill you grant me vun vish?"
"Yes, I will," says the Genie So Sven asks the Genie for a
million bucks.
The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven
sitting there,
waiting for his million bucks. Shortly, the sky darkens & is
filled with the
sound of a million ducks flying overhead. Over the roar of the
million ducks Sven yells at Olaf.
"Yumpin' Yimminy I asked for a million bucks, not a million
ducks!"
Olaf answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of
hearing.Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular
Contractions" to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you
know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class

Why you need to go to church and listen to the sermon.
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn came to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So,I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than
burn in Hell, right?"

Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father, after you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."

For all those men who say
"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"
Now days 80% of women are against marriage. Why?
Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig
just to get a little sausage!

I laughed SO HARD! XD

The day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test.

She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked "Do you know what it is?"

"No, I don't," said the little boy.

"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work."

Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!"

LMFAO! I haven't heard that one, before XDDD

*dies*

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound-up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered,
"Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!"
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a nice, tight butt!"

Real Company Websites

1. Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent that
represents any celebrity. Their Web site is http://www.whorepresents.com

2 . Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange
advice and views at http://www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
http://www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at http://www.therapistfinder.com

5. There's the Italian Power Generator company,
http://www.powergenitalia.com

6. And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales,
http://www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always
http://www.ipanywhere.com

8. The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is
http://www.cummingfirst.com

9. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site,
http://www.speedofart.com

LOL

I remember reading about those links years ago, yet they crack me up everytime. I *always* manage to misread them. IT'S A FUCKING CONSPIRACY!

XDDDDDD

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them
suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground.

He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his
head. The other redneck whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions.

First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence..........then a shot is heard.

The redneck's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?

.......*snicker*


*snort*


AHAHAHAHAHAAAAAHHAAAAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA~!!! XDDDDDDDDDDDDD

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

LOL

*I is replying without giving something back. I is a good gurl*